Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
