Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
