I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
