so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
