You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
