so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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