i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
