i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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