That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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