i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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