turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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