Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
