I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
