She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
