when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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