You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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