And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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