I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
