at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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