Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
