Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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