Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
