I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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