my room smells like sperm. sweet.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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