So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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