Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
