porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
