Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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