I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
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