I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
