oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
