sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Also, beer. Big fan.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
