Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
this hospital has no fireball
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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