Tell her she can't have a vagina
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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