Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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