I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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