i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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