Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
