i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
