is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize