I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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