sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
