He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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