I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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