i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
