I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize