I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
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