I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
