Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
