The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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