there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
