Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
