I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
