I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
