So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize