I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
