You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
