You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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