So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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